Journals

One of the most useful tools for a writer is the journal. I don’t think there is a writing teacher or book that doesn’t suggest using one. Nothing has brought that home more to me than looking back over my old writing journals, datebooks and diaries as I transcribe them into a computer journal.

I started doing this years ago but the program I was using at the time was difficult. I finally gave up. I’ve since bought a new program that is more in keeping with what I had in mind, which was to bring all my various notebooks, diaries, calendars and information together. As I’ve been working on a memoir rereading these entries has been eye-opening, memory triggering and full of regret.

Regret? Yes, how I wished I had kept a better accounting of my life. What I do have is sparse of daily life or emotion—mostly calendars of my appointments (I was grooming dogs in my home at the time), places I had to be, at what time and tons of writing notes. I only had one small notebook of what was going on my life at the time and my feelings about it. One small window into my life as a harried mom with three young kids and tight finances, but what a window.

It brought back that time into sharp focus, gave it back to me. How I regret that I don’t have more. I forgot some of the best of the times, forgot so many of the whys of my decisions. In the forgetting, I’ve devalued much of what I did for my kids, myself, the family, our finances. In the forgetting I’ve done what so many have done before me, I’ve diminished the value of a stay-at-home mom. No, every mom because there is little proof of what she does when what she does is done. (Mothering is so much like shadow writing-the writing work done before the finished product.)

I regret that there aren’t more little vignettes of my life. Yet, the writing notes are so valuable I wouldn’t want to be without them either. (And often there was a choice.) The observations, quick and hurried, though they were (I’m sure because of the three kids and busy schedule) says something about my eye and mind. Shows how hard I struggled to hold on to the writer in me (I lost so much of myself by then. All moms’ do.) It is the foundation of the voice I have now, a reminder of the learning curve I’ve been on. It makes me appreciate my fight to hold on to my writing. It was a fight, a struggle, and many times I wondered if it was worth it, especially given the fact I wasn’t making money or getting published. It is so hard to keep at something without recognition. (Motherhood/writing)

My journals tell me it was worth it. It is still worth it. I don’t know how possible it is to have both kinds of journals or if you can keep one with entries about life story, writer’s observations and notes together that will make sense. I am certain other writers know better than I about that. I’ve never been good at doing two things at a time. (I tend to do one thing at a time, do my best and then move on.) What I do know is that a writer needs somewhere to gather his thoughts, notes, observations and life, if possible. A writer (A mother probably needs one, too)needs a journal.

What kind of journal? Leather-bound, notebook style, loose leaf, small, fancy, ledger type? That’s personal. I have my favorite, but it’s taken me thirty years to find what works best for me. I’ve used every kind out there. I had to learn what I was going to put in the notebooks, where, when I would be making entries, and also how my mind worked best in putting things down on paper. Everyone is different.

Some are neat and organized, some sloppy and not above drawing, scribbling out, putting notes on top of pages, shoving loose pages in where they need to be. (This is my approach and I sometimes fear the way a person writes in their journal reflects their mind) I would be intimidated with too neat, too expensive notebooks. I’d be ashamed of the way I used it, feel my words had to live up to the cover. I wouldn’t think my words worthy until I edited them several times. That would defeat the purpose in my mind. For me, my writing notebooks are my seeds, my footprint, the shadows of what will come. my writing never starts out tidy or perfect. Most often it doesn’t even resemble the end product in the least. For me, that is good.

If you don’t have one, buy a notebook. Find one that strikes something in you and try it. If it doesn’t inspire you, pick another. Enjoy and make every effort to fill it up.