Shoulds

I’ve decided I don’t like shoulds. I’m tired of them. I don’t want to listen to them anymore. I want to ban them from my ears. I need to ban them from my mouth. Am I guilty of them? I must try never to use them in that way…you know, as I know better or…well, if you don’t want to listen to me…you really are the only one that can.

Are they suggestions, helpful directives, guides or are they more about the should-ee? Is it for my interest or theirs? And what about what I want to do?

While I’m doing your should, what happens to my shoulds? If I do all the shoulds, is there time for the wants or needs of my own?

I do a lot of should. Every day, every week. For a lot of people. I try very hard to be kind and giving. I try to think of the people in my life that need a helping hand and I try to give it as often as I can. I have children, a parent, a husband, relatives and pets I do a lot of should for.

There’s never any lacking of shoulds or those who should me. I should myself…a lot. All I have to do is look around my house and the shoulds hit me like a playground full of children vying for attention. Shoulds are way more prevalent than wants. Shoulds come from brothers, sisters, moms, dads, husbands, children, pets, the news, magazines, billboards, taxmen, gardens, doctors, teachers, instructors, books, editors, agents, conscience.

Wants, my wants, only come from me. Wants can hardly compete. I sometimes wonder why I try. A should I received, probably with the best of intentions, and maybe, (who knows) lovingly has festered inside me (heart or head, I’m not sure) for almost a week. I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve rationalize it away only to have it slither up to haunt me a while later. I know I need to ignore it and carry on with my own agenda.

When you should someone, do you really know what his or her life is like?

Maybe, if it wasn’t a writing should, it wouldn’t carry so much weight. And I wouldn’t feel this guilt. Maybe, if I had had a bit more success, I wouldn’t look as if I need a writing project. And maybe, if I hadn’t just read the most perfect book from my genre ( it’s been soooo long since I’ve read a really good Western Historical, since a really good one was published. A gift as sweet as if it were my own. Thank you, Kaki Warner for Pieces of Sky.) The book with everything I want in mine, in every perfect word.

My sister told me that just because I’m not doing that should today, doesn’t mean I might not tomorrow, when it’s something I want to do. That’s what I’m trying to do…the only thing is, I no longer feel I have forever to do all the things I want…or should. I certainly know I’ll never get all the stories written I want. And the shoulds? It’s hard enough for me to deal with the ‘who cares?’

Leave the dishes unwashed and the demands on your time unanswered. Be ruthless and refuse to do what people ask of you. —Lynne Sharon Schwartz

And:

There’s nobody out there waiting for it, and nobody’s going to scold you if you don’t do it.
—Lynne Sharon Schwartz