Your Journey

On My Journey

Everyone’s journey through life takes its own path. We plant the path ourselves, as we go. What I’ve learned, what I am learning is that this is my journey. Only mine. I have to make my own choices and take responsibility. I can’t let anyone else do it. Oh, I guess I could, and maybe, those choices would be ‘for the best.’ But—would that be my life?

A person’s choices don’t always make sense to anyone else, but I’ve found that from that person’s POV (point of view) they make all the sense in the world.

Honestly, how many times have you watched someone and scratched your head wondering why in stretch pants they did what they did. Money choices, life choices, careers choices. We see it every day. I’ve learned this past year, it’s all about POV.

We have no way of knowing just what another person is going through, what battles they’re waging, what crisis they maybe facing. (That’s just why we should be kinder to those we encounter every day) We writers are suppose to understand POV. For me, this thought helps in getting POV right in my writing.

On Dithering

I’m not use to feeling as vulnerable as I have this last year. I’ve hated that feeling since my diagnosis. I’m not saying I’ve never felt vulnerable. Of course I have, like everyone. When I’m sick, when I’m lonely, when I’ve had something I’ve written rejected I feel vulnerable. But this new feeling of vulnerability is different, more profound, more uncomfortable. I've never had to depend so heavily on others before. (I don't like that. Oh, I like helping others, but not so much accepting help. I think that's misplaced ego.) Maybe, too, it has to do with mortality, maybe with the realization that things might not go as I always thought.

This vulnerability has shaken my trust in myself. I hate that. I don’t exactly understand why. I’m trying to because I have always been a questioner and person who needs reasons and answers. (Something I’ve learned this year. Sometimes there isn’t an answer and you have to live with that.) What I do understand is my judgment, my decision-making skills have had a sea change. I question everything differently, from a different perspective. I hesitate when I never have before, try weighing risk, importance, long-term effect with the care of a scientist. (Do I think that kind of scrutiny might prevent something bad from happening?) Spontaneity is a struggle. (Not a good thing in a writer or artist of any kind.)

I spent so dang much time dithering about last year that I got sick of the whole thing before I could make up my mind. I dithered about taking a writing class, getting a new kitten, shoes, a Kindle(glad I bought that. I’ll do a product review on the Kindle soon) for so long I was heartily sick of all the thoughts scurrying round and round in my head. The yes and no, the maybe. The this class, that class, which class. The it’s too soon. Why not? The buy this, don’t.

Why? Why was it been so hard for me to make a decision? Nothing drastic or fatal would happen no matter which way I went. Why put so much importance on simple decisions anyway? After the scare we’d been through, after wondering if I’d ever feel well and normal again. And maybe in that statement is the answer.

How quickly everything changes. And that was the thing that had me. Plan all you want, but in an instant everything can change and all the planning in the world can’t help you or change the fact that sometimes bad things just happen.

What it comes down to is living your life the best you can. Making choices that support what is important to you. Each person has their own problems, sorrows and goals. What looks like a mistake to one person, might be the very thing the next person needs.

Trust my journey despite the challenges. Embrace it. That’s what I’m learning to do.