Life is Plan B

Every time I go to my kidney doctor (for MPGN)I get so depressed. I know he has to remind me that I have this disease. My husband and I look back on how far I’ve come and can’t help but feel everything is going to be the way it was. I suppose there is that touch of denial in the thought too.

Fact of the matter is, this disease isn’t going away. My husband and I get caught up in how good I am doing, how much better I feel and we start thinking it is going away. That I won’t have it anymore, that I’m cured, but that isn’t going to happen. I will deal with this the rest of my life. I will be looking over my shoulder for it for the rest of my life, even if the prednisone works and I get better, stay better.

Yes, there is one small chance it will just go away. That’s the little carrot out there. Sometimes, it does. They never say how often or how likely—maybe there isn’t any data, but it has happened. Why should that be me? The carrot is— why can’t it be me?

But see, I’ve been so blessed. More than I deserve. I know it. Maybe, it’s too much to hope for, more than I deserve. But can’t I still hope, pray, wish—?

In the classic way of coping, I have been in denial, in anger and disbelief. I’ve tried to wish it away. Ranting how unfair, (which I hate because why do we always think things should be fair?) Everyone rants at the unfairness of bad stuff. How fair is it to anyone to go through bad stuff? The economic situation isn’t fair. People’s wages aren’t fair. Nothing is fair far as I can see. It just is.

That is so hard for me to accept. I want to do something. Control something. Make it fair. Have things back to normal. It is so hard for me to realize, what I have today is the new normal and somehow, I have to embrace that.

Not long ago, I cried on my sister shoulder. It helped, especially when she reminded me of something her little sister (me) told her when she was going through her divorce. Take what you are given and make the best of it. Gee, I guess I’m not as shallow as I sometimes think. It was good advice. I’ll try to take it.

I don’t take change well, nor do I take having plans tripped up, but I’m learning that things seldom go as planned. Things change. As I heard the other day—Life is plan B. And is it. If you look back over your life you realize that nothing really goes as planned. Do you have the number of children you planned? The house? The job? The body? The looks? Hell, no. Sometimes, you have better, sometimes worse. Almost always different. And would you really change it?

My sister also reminded me about Duke Wellington. He planned his battles carefully. Planned just how to execute his attacks, mapped out each battle carefully, winding like a rope to victory from start to finish. When asked what he did when things didn’t go according to plan, he said he tied the rope in a knot where it broke and went on. That has helped me. Drew a mental picture I can focus on. See, what I mean? How blessed am I? I have a wise sister who drew a mental picture for me to hold onto like that rope.

So, I've tied a knot. I’ll take this day and embrace it.