Poetry Healing

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. A check-up. I’m feeling disgustingly great. Blood pressure perfect. (Even at the doctor’s office. Now, that’s something.) Lab’s nearly normal. Now comes the scary part. The doctor is weaning me off the prednisone. The frightening part, MPGN could come back once I’m off the medicine. I’m not going to entertain that thought. I’m better. Can’t say I’m cured but I’m better. My kidneys are working fine. I’m blessed.

As those who read my blog know, since April I have immersed myself in poetry. I’ve always had poetry in my life. As a child there was no way to avoid it. Both parents where voracious readers and read to us kids all the time. Both loved poetry.

For several years I’ve wanted to take a poetry workshop. I finally started one just after I finished the Poem A Day Challenge at Writer’s Digest.

After I started my recovery from MPGN, I struggled to start writing again. The meds I was on and my weakness messed with my mind. I think it was one of the lowest points in the whole experience when I’d sit at my desk words crowding my head but I couldn’t get them to my fingers, to the screen.

I cried many tears wondering if I’d lost my writing. (Who I am.) I decided I’d write a memoir of my experience. Record my struggles, my illness(being it was so rare, someone might get something from my experience) That got my fingers going, gave me the simple goal of remembering, going through appointment books, medical records, etc, got my mind reaching, stretching. Still I struggled. I just hated dwelling on the whole experience. I wanted to move on—Go Forward. (Christopher Reeves Foundation’s motto. One that has pulled me through many things over the years. I’ve admired him from the moment he was paralyzed, loved his books. Admire him even more now after being sick but going through nothing like he did.)

I hated talking about the illness other than about my gratitude. I felt so blessed to be getting better I just couldn’t seem to get my heart into thinking about what we’d been through. I wanted to appreciate my good health, thank all who prayed and supported us. Forget the bad stuff. Maybe later, when there is some distance, I’ll see a way to write it down, help someone else going through it, but for now… I hate talking about myself illness wise or telling sob stories. I haven’t figured out a good way to tell the story without sounded too woe-is-me. I know there is a way and when I find it, I’ll go with it, but for now, I’m struggling with too much raw emotion and uncertainty about the future. I want to move forward.

I knew I couldn’t go back to writing my western historical just yet. I couldn’t get excited about that. And I knew I couldn’t keep track of all the facts, all the threads of character, setting, plot, research necessary to write a good novel. I know someday I’ll come back to my novels and be the better for this break.

Thank moon and stars for this blog. It got my mind and fingers working together. It kept me in the writing. It gave me purpose. And then there is the poetry.

Writing poetry seems to be the thing that fills me with joy and calmness. I feel a healing going on in my bruised spirit. I need that. I’ve felt betrayed. Sounds funny, but it’s true. Betrayed by my body and by life. We forget that live can turn on a pickle. Where everything changes and all the carefully made plans go down the drain with the pickle juice.

Yet, blessings have been piled on me. I know this. I think of this every single day and feel such gratitude.

They say you are just where you need to be at any given moment. I think it’s true. I’m right where I’m supposed to be and got here just as I was meant to. I’m supposed to be working on my poetry. Whether I get anything published or not doesn’t matter. The workshop, the practice of reading and writing poetry is improving all my writing. I feel a renewed passion, an excitement and a sense of doing good work. What more could I hope for?