Disappointment, changed plans, frustration. That about describes the last several years. You’d think I would get used to it. It really is the norm, isn’t it? I’ve said it before, life is plan B.
I was all set to trot on over to the hospital today with my mom and get our annual breast exam. Fun times, to be sure, but I really did want it done and over. You know, that checked of the list of things to do. But I’ve been fighting a little cold that just keeps giving and giving. The cold never really put me completely under the weather. I haven’t yet felt really bad, but Saturday and Sunday night I ended up awake most of the night, coughing and sometime around Thursday I lost my voice.
Talk about frustrating. No, I’m not talking. That’s just the problem. Or one of them. I just didn’t want to get around my mom with this cold or anyone up at the hospital that had to be around me. I get into these coughing jags and…I wouldn’t be able to talk to the people helping us anyway. I sound like a sick squeak toy. I can’t help my mom know what’s going on. No, I just cancelled.
I worried about doing that. It will make later this month even crazier and I’m not looking forward to that. The weather is just plain, the pits. I’m so behind in my gardening that…, but you know what? I’m reminded of an epiphany I had many years ago.
I try to accommodate the other guy. I always have. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I adjusted my schedule for everyone else because in my head I always thought: I’m just a mom, this or that person’s time is so much more important. I devalued myself. When I started writing I had to try to learn to put myself and my writing, at least, equal to everyone else.
It has been a tough lesson. I still find myself going back to that other thinking. Only this time it goes like this: I’m just a struggling writer. It’s not like I’m making tons of money here, or anyone’s waiting for me to finish. It’s not like it’s the next greatest novel, I’m writing. It’s….
I have to give myself a good mental shake. Tell myself that what I do and my time is every bit as important as anyone’s.
Ordinarily I would have broken my neck to get me and my mom to the appointment, because I made the appointment, therefore I must drag myself there and not inconvenience anyone. There was just no excuse for being sick on the day this or that was schedule. What is wrong with me…? And on and on…But I learned, in a not so good way, that you just don’t get to schedule sick days. You can say all day long you don’t have time to be sick, but sick has other ideas. And has sway, too.
On another note: Do you know how hard it is to get along without your voice? Every cold or throat problem I have goes straight to my voice. We now have great technology that can take the place of it, but it doesn’t work for every circumstance and I’m not much of a texter. So, I’ve struggled not to talk so not to damage my voice. But…how do you get someone (or your dog and cat) to listen to you when you can’t call their name or get their attention? I’m a writer, I can write notes to my husband, but the dog is not impressed and quite frankly, the cats ignore me. Well, actually, the cats ignore me anyway.
By the way, that old school bell my husband thought I was crazy to buy at the flea market last year ( What in _ _ _ _ are you getting that for) has come in real handy. Bless my heart.
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